Manic's Dance Newsletter
June, 1999. Jesters

There are many reasons that we all put on a 'jester's' costume and act and relate in ways that are not our true selves. This is not to say that we are being dishonest, because most of the time I don't think that is the case.   But, for whatever the reason or reasons, 'putting on a face' in excess or extreme can be poor for your health and for your emotional wellness.

Lets look at a few of the reasons that we may be pretending to be something else or someone else. But first, let me just say that many times we are not even aware that we are in the center of pretense! So, don't get 'down' one yourselves here! ~

Guilt:

You may feel that you are a major cause of tension, stress and worry to your loved ones. You feel the guilt a great deal of the time. So, when you are in need of a favor, an ear to just listen, have a problem or dislike the behavior of another; you  may just 'skip' asking for help or bringing up a problem.

Prevention/Frustration:

Many times, it's easier to avoid discussions that you may think other people won't understand or can't understand. Many times it's less frustrating to drop feelings of frustration in order to prevent 'another scene' of some sort.

Protection:

It's a burden, perhaps, to our loved ones to 'put up with our mood swings. They are of intense distress to the, (so we think). So, when we are feeling down or on the way down, we may act/pretend to be OK. We may even tell others that we are OK and then act merry and bright!

These are only a few examples and very broad, but I am sure that you can relate in some fashion.

So, how could these things hurt us emotionally or physically?  Built up anger/rage, anxiety,  depression/pain, etc., transforms itself into physical problems. Headaches, lower back pain, aching muscles, higher blood pressure, weight gain/loss, panic attracts etc. Pretending can emotionally harm us by creating a loneliness, ("no one understands," "no one knows me"),  lower self-esteem, ("no one wants to take the the time to know me, I am not worthy of understanding, I am too much trouble in other people's lives"), and that list goes on. 

There is also an UN-spoken inner rule that many of us carry. In our society we learn that when you love yourself openly, others might accuse you of egotism and conceit, and they will reject you.  In attempt to get love and support, you learn to hide self-love and may even be in the habit of putting yourself down, (common). Gradually, you will begin to believe your own propaganda and your self-love will get repressed and forgotten.  

Perhaps you feel selfish and bad for wanting more than you have. In an attempt to be good and lovable, you try to surprises your desires of others in order to win their acceptance and love. You may even begin to feel guilty about your dreams and wants, feeling they are selfish.

Maybe you feel inside that in order to get love, you must "earn" it or pay for it. You conclude that your worthiness is not in yourself, but in something else - your appearance, actions, success, ability to do what others expect you to be. You may have have decided that your worth and goodness depend on your ability to please other people and do what makes them happy. Your self-esteem becomes something   based on how much you please other by being "good".

Your result to please people in order to get their love is that you lose your spontaneous self-expression. You become preoccupied with becoming like other people and miss the opportunity to explore and express your own uniqueness.

When you suppress you inner potential, you live a sense of inner frustration and failure because you have buried your potential for success. One part of your wants to express itself, but another party wants love and acceptance and will sacrifice self- expression in order to get it... you can literally become someone you are not...

Your relationships will suffer greatly too! Being unable to express yourself, your will build up inner resentments that will grow into indifference and later loss of love...

The result of your attempt to feel loved and to please others is that, like most people, you have learned and adopted various behavioral strategies designed to get the approval and love you need. These become like roles you play, or personality types you act out weather consciously or unconsciously.

"the Performer" (who feels pressured to measure up... there is no rest; he feel driven to perform)

"the Critic" (what the critic hates about himself he will find and criticize in others)

"the Boaster" (has learned to get attention by dramatizing and exaggerating the truth)

"the Victim" (whenever something bad happens to a Victim, you can be sure their story gets a lot  mileage.)

"the Nice Person"  (always doing what he 'should' be doing and has lost touch with what he really wants)

"the Self-Righteous Person"  (can never admit that he is wrong, for to confess his faults cold mean the loss of love)

"the Angry Person" (feels ripped off by life and is constantly trying to get even)

"the Believer"  (has become so dependent on others for truth that he loses touch with reality.)

"the Shy Person"  (basic reaction to people is fear. He has little confidence that he will be loved"

"the Show-Off"  (believes that what he owns will make up for what he fails to be himself)

"the Loner" (could not get the recognition and love he wanted and so decided he didn't need it)

"the Sacrifice"  (learned that to love means to sacrifice or to give up for another)

You can be many of them, assess yourself! Have a friend/loved one do it for you too!

Until you are aware of what you are doing, you have no choice to continue doing it.

The essential key is to put all of this to a stop and start to heal yourself
is to Tell the Complete Truth! 

Do you ever smile when you are really angry? Have you acted mean or angry when deep inside you were afraid or hurt? Do you ever laugh and make light of something when you feel very sad and rejected inside?

You must be able to share and express the complete truth about yourself and your feelings.

Here are some basics/facts to ponder & help in your journey...

• Most people are masters of disguising what they really feel.
• Your ability to feel love is directly proportional to your ability to tell the complete truth.
• Recovering buried emotions is essential for feeling motivated and purposeful.
• By fully expressing all your negative emotions you can spontaneously experience our love and understanding.
• Underneath all negative emotions is love waiting to gush forth!
• By expressing the hurt and guilt which hides behind your anger you can easily release the anger and allow love to flow again.
• Repression gradually numbs both your negative and positive feeling.
• Repressed feeling do not die - they come back to haunt us.
• Repressed feeling cause us to react inappropriately to people and circumstances
• ...and the list goes on!

It is not simple, in fact it is very hard, to develop the art of telling the absolute complete truth once we have let/allowed it to slip away. An important start is to open up, like the jester in the poem above, is to open up and let your relations know your feelings. The most important rule is to always use "I" statements rather than you. If this whole process is to difficult, write a loving letter using the "I" statements...

"I am feeling" rather than "You make me feel"

Begin to take off your jester's cap and live a more healthy and happy life. You are just as important as anyone else I the world and like everyone else, your feelings and needs and desires are important. Don't expect that the knowledge of change is enough or that your 'personality' types that are 'covering' for your true person will go away today... just take it one day at a time and remember to allow yourself to be you! 

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Family: Royal Meetings

Communication can be either destructive or constructive... causing hurt and blame, or increasing closeness and understanding. Do you react differently  when your are speaking with a person who is a manic depressive? Do you find that you are less patient or less direct about sharing your feelings with that person in order to avoid an argument? Are your needs and feelings coming across and important in your family's "Royal Meetings?" If we are to stop using the Jesters in our family communication, then the Royal Family must learn to communicate openly and honestly with each other, both understanding the importance of the other... both being honest with our true needs.

Set up family 'Royal meetings' with some basic do's and don'ts. Come to an understanding with each other that you will always  attempt to adhere to these basics.

Here are some examples that you may wish to use:

Set a time and place to discuss an issue, one issue at a time. Use a timer, perhaps allowing each person to speak UN-interrupted for 3 to 4 minutes.

Relax. Take a few moments to calm yourself and relax prior to a discussion.

Find a quiet place... and one that won't bring UN-expected interruptions.

Look at each other. Establish and maintain relaxed eye contact. This will help you connect and it will show you are both interested and involved in the conversation.

Be direct. State your feelings and intentions by saying what your are thinking, feeling and wanting. Here is a great place to interject humor if it feels appropriate and natural.

Use the "I" statements and avoid blame/judgments and the "you" statements.

Step back if the conversation becomes heated.

Reflect back what you've heard. Show you have listened. Attempt to mirror/state the feeling or thought your loved one is trying to express.

Brainstorm for solutions. Be open to creative ideas that may not occur to your normally. Be willing to compromise. Agree on at least one action and/or implementation your can initiate immediately to resolve or relieve and/or lighten the tension.

Offer support to each other, you both/all are important.

Don'ts 

Don't be discouraged, be realistic.

Avoid self-blame, don't blame yourself.

Don't blame each other

Do not yell or shout

Avoid bringing up issues from the past, stick to the current topic at hand.

Avoid calling the other person negative names, putting them down etc.,

Idea:  sit down with your loved one and write down three things that you both/all can do that would make it easier to talk with one another.

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Our Kids: Jester-ing Around!

Play is self-expression, learning, laughing, bonding, growing, experiencing, creative thinking and memory building! (Just to name a few!) It doesn't matter much if the children in your home are bipolar or they are the daughters/sons of a bipolar parent... because in both cases, they need all of those wonderful qualities that play, (Jester-ing Around), can do and will do for them! You can give your children an outlet of laughter and learning and growing memories when you interact and play with them!

Jester-ing around, being silly, can be the most fun-provoking of all play! It's an all-out self-expression of silly and bold and creativity and acceptance of each other even in a non-traditional and non-norm way! Brainstorm with your children for ideas, the more wild, the better! Then, play, touch and interact! Here are some examples:

• Grab a few cans of shaving cream, head for the yard and start your fight! Add some fun music to the yard before hand and maybe a light sprinkler action in the distance for a 'safe' place!

• Pack a Silly Lunch together, everyone creating their own 'secret' item for the luncheon. Take it up to the mountains and have a creek-side picnic... be sure to play in the water and squish your toes in the mud really well! For the trip itself, bring a sing-a-long    cassette tape in the car and sing out loud together!

• Remember this craft? Shave crayons of all colors and arrange the shavings on waxed paper. Fold the paper or lay a new sheet onto the first and iron on med-low for a few minutes until the crayon is melted.  Lift the iron for a surprise design! Cut the creations out into 'art' such as butterflies or flowers or trucks! Imagination rules here!

• Play an old fashion game of follow the leader... take turns! Make it verbal too! The sillier the better will be added fun!

Make time for each other, have fun, create memories and express yourselves! It works incredibly well, you'll see!

Free Catalogs! These are really fun to get and to order! They normally sell for $1 to $4 in the catalog of catalogs too! My fav is the puzzle catalog! It's incredible what you can buy/see/do with jigsaw puzzles, I had no idea! (If your snail-mail is boring - this is perfect! If you don't like them when they come, or when you are finished with them, give them to the kids to cut and paste and create with some really kewl pics!)
Free Catalogs Here

Mood Food: Medieval Dining

This issue, I thought it would be fun to keep with the theme a little bit and rather than mention a 'mood food,' talk a bit about  the dining itself! In medieval times, the people didn't;t have tableware/flatware and instead used their hands! Why not try theme eating? Let your family in out the theme and perhaps add a few small hand-made decorations and cook your mood food to fit!

For medieval 'no-hands' fun, 1/2 roasted chickens, large turkey drum sticks, ribs etc., for the main entree. Roast some hand-vegies such as corn-on-the-cob in the husk! Be sure to have some thick warm wheat  bread for the family to rip apart! I like fruit kabobs! Strawberries, pineapple and the like, on a wooden stick! (very pretty and yummy too!). This is not only a great memory and bonding thing, but it's fun! Dinner should feel good and be different at times! Some ideas won't cost you any more than a normal meal ...and the benefits are soon great! Try this out with your family & let your dining itself be the mood enhance this month!

Natural Therapy- Flutes!

Add music to your meditation, or, just concentrate on the sounds of the flute! This can be very relaxing and transforming for you! It's natural and really has proven to work wonders on stress and anger and those frustrating feelings that we can have!

It's hard to think of an instrument that so quickly evokes an atmosphere of emotion as the flute.It is an ancient instrument that expresses a true dignity of thought and gives us a glimpse of a vanished elder world.

I purchased a CD called "Tribal Winds  ...Music From Native American Flutes." Native flutes, like many traditional instruments, are limited in their technical capabilities. In the right hands, however, these limitations mean very very little, as I found out with this CD. It represents a level of understanding shared by many musicians from many musicians from many place. The cooperative attitude of the artists on the recording is truly remarkable.

"It's not about one thing, there are no words." ...a composer stated, "It taught me how much is lost through preconceived cultural knowledge. I sensed the importance of the song, and knew that understanding is not handed from one person to another. Understanding takes time and effort... We become ourselves not only because of who we are, but also by our many experiences and contributions other make to these experiences".

For centuries that native people of the North American continent have honored the wind with their haunting, meditative flue music. From the North Atlantic cost to the desert Southwest, flutes of wood and stone were played by the musicians of countless tribes, and songs of celebration traveled great distances on the wind. This vanishing tradition was led by Native artists anxious to ensure this powerful music, which in turn made possible renewed connection to traditional ways of life, live on. The art was reborn in this collection.

I highly recommend this CD. It can be used in numerous ways, personal ways. It's again, "Tribal Winds  ...Music From Native American Flutes" (Cheyenne, Comanche, Ute, Navajo, Zuni, Lakota, Daota, Kiowa, Aache, Mandan, Algonkian. Produced by David Swenson, Earth Best... Music for a Whole Planet, Records, 1996

Hey! Why not take a break and send someone aNice Card? It's fast and it's fun and it will send along an animated email greeting to an UN-expecting friend or loved one! It's make their day that much better, you will feel good and this freebie helps support Manic's Dance! Wow! What a deal!  Here's the link: http://nicecards.com/partner.cgi?p2526

Manic's Dance Site Pages, Forum & News 

A Few of Our Forum Topics This Month:

*Junk Food, Our Children and the Effects/Moods      
*Clinton's Latest On Disability/Reactions
*Yellow Towels        
*Kava, A Series     
*Questions/Finish The Statements To Exercise Our Minds and Emotions
*Positive Thinking and Healing
*Enabling
*Persistent Anxiety
*Why Mr. Rogers Will Live To Be 130!
*Free Medications
*Free Tees
*Restraints, Both Sides of the Issue
*Famous Quotes on Humor and Anxiety
*Dance Therapy
*Insurance Vs The Mentally Ill
*Danse Manche (new manic’s dance French site)
*Chill Out
*Dance Therapy
*Our Kid’s Musts
*Our Don’ts
*Anxiety and Worry
*Humor Quotes from the Famous!
*What Are You Thinking?
*Bipolar Mother
*Zen Sayings, Meditations, Quotes
*Feelings/Stigmas Associated Personally With Insurance And The Mentally Ill    ...and many       more!

      The forum is really busy and everyone is staying true-to-form... friendly, supportive, informative and 'there for each other fully.' I have received many emails at my Manic's Dance main account telling me how wonderful the people are and how very welcome they feel and how much better they are beginning to feel. The isolation factor has been brought up more than once! The support of not only Diane and Rissa, but, the many members in the forum who contribute so very much and who give and give is an awesome thing to see, hear of and especially feel! Being there for one another is a concept that has not been overlooked! This is a vital thing for folk struggling with the illness or trying to cope and sort through how to help loved ones in this situation! I admire all of you, am blessed by all of you and thank all of you!

May's News Around Manic's Dance!

We were awarded the "Season's of Change" Award in May! This is pretty special, (all of them are of course), being that it is given away to 17 sites, ONLY, each month! You can see the award at Manic's Dance Awards Site Page! Here:

We have added a free email service to Manic's Dance! You may sign up for the free email account right on the home page:
The account names are up to you for the first half of your name, and the last half will contain our name! (yourname @ManicsDance.zzn.com). It's got the filters that you love, the signature options, spell check, an instant spam-police-turn-in option and many other fun and useful features! Best of all, you can log-in right at Manic's Dance's home page! Oh, and Manic's Dance home page has been updated and refreshed! My apologies to those who have Web TV. My last background was a rust shade of red, which is difficult for those who have Web TV to pick up! (I am learning though and do appreciate all the impute I can get!)

I have started a new monthly newsletter called: Crazed Manic Spenders  -Frugal & Free Help Newsletter. This is free just like Manic's Dance's Letter  ... and my goal is to help those who could use the extra money at the end of each month and those who are not really making ends meet at the moment! Another goal is to save right away and to see a $200 or more savings per month right away! It's got tips, tricks, secrets, frugal fun, family projects, the best/most useful family and personal freebies I have found and ideas galore to help! Also, I accept emails from it's members who wish to contribute ideas or their success stories etc., ...a family thing! There has been a great need expressed and I hope this new letter will help meet  some of those needs! The sign-ups are at the Manic's Dance Home Page! Join us for this one, it should prove to be really neat... and fun too!

In May, Manic's Dance's unique visitors reached an UN-real number of 3,200 Over The Average Unique Visitor's Per Month That We Usually Get!!! This is nothing short of incredible! There is such a need and this is evident! Manic's Dance is growing for the most part, because of the support and love and prayers of all it's members and our staff! Thanks to everyone ...keep up the incredible work!

A Great Children 's Place & a Super-Surfer Find This Month
(I like to share this stuff!)

Here is a site that you may wish to visit with your child!
It’s a blast plus tax & everything good and fun! It’s www.crayola.com

…and for you big-kids, you will really love this incredible site:
              http://raft.vmg.co.uk/fso1

(gotta play, right?)

Manic’s Dance Site Pages News/Updates

New Comers:

Getting the Medications that you need: http://members.delphi.com/linkipoo/index.html (This is a page that I made do to the need that I have been seeing lately! There is no reason that money should stop you from getting your medications! They are a top priority! So, this page is provided for those who are short money for the month or short for the long-term!)

Manic’s Dance Resources and Relevant Links:

(This page contains links and resources for manic depression, depression, general health and medical health. I have also included some play sites too!)

http://pages.hotbot.com/family/lterhune/ManicsResources.html

Crazed Manic’s Kewl and Strange Free Emails I Like! http://pages.hotbot.com/family/lterhune/kewlemails.html

Updated/Added
Information to the Following Site Pages:

*Manic Library       *Manic Freebies       *Manic Freebies II       *Needing Help to Get Help

*Manic Facts/Trivia/Glossary         *Manic’s Dance Awards Site        *Manic Mall

*The Rush Factor

Misc.News Around MDance:

Our Manic’s Dance Newsletter has increased in membership by a little over 45% this past month! Wow! Welcome to everyone who is just joining us, glad you are here and hope you enjoy the newsletter!

HELP WANTED

I have been asking a great deal in the forum and now I will request help from you too! In order to finish and upload and link-up one of my ‘dream baby sites’ I need some additional help. The site is called "Faces of Mania, Words of Mania" It is a collection of poetry, prose, art works of different sorts, (drawings or paintings or sketches etc.), and photographs of people who suffer from manic depression. Not all the poets or artists have pictures up… not all the pictures have artwork or poems …you get the idea, right? I really want this to be a nice site when it is up …a site that shows anyone and everyone who passes through it that there are faces and names and words and life behind the manic depression label and the stigmas that that label brings…. This page will bring to life some reality and passion!

I am looking for more! More pictures, poems, short thoughts, sketches, photos of mania, art works etc., and I just don’t have the balance and the number that I am after. There are about 15 photos and about 30 poems etc., and I want it to be a moving experience through a gallery of changes. Mixing the visuals and the poems throughout the site. This will also do all of us here some benefit! It will bring to life faces and words and ‘us’ to each other for further bonding! We are a great group and growing stronger and stronger and bigger as well. It would be super for people to see some faces behind the forum posts and the subscribers to this letter! So, PLEASE, send me what you have …what you can! Send it from any Manic’s Dance Site or from the forum. If you would like to do this right now, feel free! My email address is: Mbonkers@yahoo.com

Loneliness is not so much a matter of isolations as of insulation.

-Rev Harold w. Ruopp

Many of us have become masons out of necessity. We trawled mortar onto brick in a desperate effort to survive. And though lonely, we have managed to survive with our feelings sealed away for safekeeping and for protection. We have little by little built up a different face for different situations, and in doing so, have isolated and harmed ourselves more. Our relationships suffer and our very physical and emotional livelihoods suffer.

Currently, we may have been accustomed to all the isolation that putting on the jester’s cap brings. We may not know any other way at this point. We may not know any other way to be. We may have built our wall so thickly, insulating it so well, that no air circulates and our feelings wither and all but die. We may have sealed ourselves s off, even from ourselves!

Emotions are life. Without them, all of them, we come up empty and go down lonely. There is always time while we are still breathing to change this and to make a happier and more fulfilled life for ourselves. There is still time for us to become more open and honest with our loved ones and friends and breaks this pattern for good! We can toss our jester’s caps and begin to really grow and heal!

Today, I will begin to break through the barriers that make me lonely and keep me isolated from the people in my life… and from living life itself.

Sponsor's Break Again!
(no more, promise!  ...but you will love this!)

         SpdyClick!     

               This is super fun! I am addicted! What you do is you look at cartoon caricatures and come up with a saying or remark for that character… or, you are given a lot of answers and you can pick on and write the question… or, you are given a celebrity name and you may wish to write down what his or here’s answering machine might say if you were to phone it…. Stuff like that. Then, you ‘grade’ yourself from a scale of 0 to 4, 4 being very funny. And also, you can score other peoples remarks etc., as well. Each time you submit an answer or you vote for yourself or another, you earn points. Others who rate your stuff, (they don’t know you, don’t worry), give you points too! You can play a bit each day or week, it doesn’t matter cuz the site keeps score! Each time you return and play this fun thing, you add to your point’s total. The points can be used later in an auction! There is an auction each day! The items are cameras, tee shirts and fancy make up and the like… Put in bids and win! This is all free and all fun! Go and see for yourself, you will enjoy your stay, really! It’s called SpeedyClick and here is the URL: http://www.speedyclick.com/ad.cgi?impCH1172

Have a great time there… it’s a plaything!

          Well that wraps up this edition of Manic’s Dance June 1999 Newsletter! Thanks so much for your support both as a member of the Manic's Dance Letter and also with your support in the forum.

          Remember, If you have any comments, suggestions or possible additions please let me know! 

          Remember to play a little each day and to make sure that you laugh at each and every opportunity! These are healthy and free and will keep your mood just that much better! God Bless and lots and lots of hugs…

L Terhune
Manic's Dance
www.delphi.com/maniccare/

(take this link to their page, then enjoy an online room of relaxation, free!)